Death & Re-Birth: Chapter 1: Rock Bottom

Foreword

The following is the story of what happened during my travels through unknown lands and into the deepest corners of my own subconscious in search of my true self. I lived through many things, most of them weren't easy or pretty but I survived to tell the tale. Here is how I lived it.

Be patient, all will be explained in due time.

Pitch Black

Everything was blurry. I couldn't remember what date it was or what had happened in the past couple of hours, days, or maybe even years. My body felt terrible; I felt nausea and hunger, chills and orgasms, hot and cold, all at the same time. Everything was so confusing, I couldn't even see straight. I panicked for a moment, and then it hit me: I had finally lost it. I´d fried my brain and turned into a wondering hippie with no purpose or heading in life. I was going nowhere; I was a burnout, a complete waste of life, a bum.

It all began when I was a serious workingman back in Colombia, the home I took for granted.

I had everything a young professional could ask for; I´d just bought a car, I had a decent amount of money saved up in my bank account, and I had a promising future at a renowned multinational. All I had to do was to keep my mouth shut and do as I was told but something didn't feel right. There was something missing, something intangible that I can only be explained with three words that somehow make sense; I wasn’t happy. Sure, my job wasn't the most exciting, but there was something else that told me to go for it. There was an urge deep within my soul that drove me to leave. I wanted to see the world with all its wonders and meet interesting people. I wanted to go on a crazy adventure before I decided to settle down. I wanted to learn from life, I wanted to live! Had I known then what I know now…

That made no difference anymore; I had fucked up my life. I´d quit a promising job, damaged relations with dozens of people, ran away from everything, including my family, and now I had lost my sanity; the only remaining thing that made me ME.

The mere thought of picturing how my family might be living their lives, knowing that one of their loved ones had disappeared without a trace, suffocated me with guilt. My family wasn´t perfect, in fact, I believe we were a highly dysfunctional one but, no matter how painful the dramas, we always had more than enough love to bring us back together and even share with our friends.

I had abandoned my three younger brothers; my dearest of friends, the three dudes I love the most in the world, the people I´d die for. I had promised I´d be back but never did, I had failed them. I thought of my father, and pictured him as a defeated old man, still waiting in the front porch for the prodigal son to return. I could hear him crying and cursing at God for allowing this to happen; I could feel the pain I'd caused him. He warned me about this when I was about to embark on my journey. “Be very careful,” he said, “Some people get lost within themselves and end up wasting their lives looking for answers.” Had I only listened to him then. And my mother, my poor mother... One of the most widely misunderstood persons in my world, but not by me. We were actually getting along famously before I left, something rare in our relationship; I think I was one of the few that learned to understand her.

I never meant to hurt anyone when I left to travel the world, and yet, now I had managed to hurt the ones I loved the most.

The decaying streets of Anjuna only resembled the emotional mess that laid inside. Decrepit buildings represented what once could have been but never was. The overgrowing flora, my appearance, now shadowed by un-kept hair and a beard that had been growing for longer than I could possibly remember. The unpaved streets were full of rubble and animal shit, without a doubt, representing the amount of crap I had in my head.

I kept asking myself “how on earth did I manage to end up like this?” I didn't have it perfect back home, but I was very fortunate in a country where most people are not, I had it good and, my emotional situation wasn't the best but it was definitely better than this! Why did I have to be so rebellious, so arrogant, so fucking stubborn? I thought society was wrong about many things. Things that strike me as fake or incorrect. There had to be answers for those pains we try to hide. A more sincere way to deal with put emotions instead of attempting to fool others, and ourselves. I was tired of living in lies. “I´ll go learn from life and teach you all!” I thought arrogantly when I left my country, and yet, all I had learned I flushed down the drain. Here I stood defeated, naked of my ego and beaten by life. I was down to nothing, a complete shipwreck with no rescue party on sight…