Facing Demons
My second to last night in vienna was pretty messed up. I was completely haunted by an attack of anxiety that I managed to pilot by doing as little as possible. I had told my mom that I was thinking about going to India; big mistake. She reacted like that over controlling despotic mother (not to say witch) that I remembered growing up with, telling me that "recess was over" and that it was time for me to get back to reality. I felt offended by her insensitivity and now saw the perfect opportunity to shift all my rage towards her. She had not a clue of how hellish this whole experience had been nor did she understand what I was trying to achieve.
Of course, that was my ego drilling thoughts of anger into my brain. My mother was just scared that something bad would happen to me and I was too selfishly blind in order to comprehend what was actually going on. Must be tough to be a mother; must be really fucking tough being my mother!
My mom had a pretty messed up childhood. She was the sixth of ten children, her father was attacked with a metal pipe, straight to the head, and left on life support with little to no conciousness when she was nine. He died a year later.
Her mother, my grandma, was left widow at thirty eight with ten kids and a bunch of debt because her husbands insurance policy ran out while he was on life support and wasn´t re-approved because of his imminent death. On top of that, the sibling that precedes her had some complications at birth and nearly choked leaving her mentally handicapped and, to make matters even worse, her most beloved brother was murdered when she was twenty three.
And that´s just some of the most infamous of traumatic events that have helped make her the way she is. I cannot blame her for carrying such a heavy and crippling load of emotional pain but you have no idea how hard it has been for me to accept all of her overly exaggerated emotional outbursts (which are, usually, completely out of context); a fierce "dragon" that was passed onto me. Though we may not see it easily, we cary more of our parents than we care to admit.
On the other hand, my father didn´t have it easy either. My grandfather was one of Cali´s (Colombia) most influential, reputable, and respected businessmen. He was a really smart man whose radiant personality, unbreakable will, and strength of character gave him the power to move mountains. On the emotional side, however, he wash´t the most stable of all human beings. His upbringing was a bit ruthless, with caveman-style discipline, so he believed that the harder (tougher, harsher...) he was on his children, the stronger and more successful they´d end up being; and hence the monster that was passed onto him, then to my father and, eventually, onto me.
Apparently he was right about one thing because all his kids grew up to be very successful professionals who are, clearly, loved by their friends and coworkers. But the same can´t be said as to their, more personal, emotional side of the equation. My parents, like many others, were born into a tough environment marked by hardship and emotional negligence; everybody has an explanation...
Making up my mind to travel to India was not an easy task; it was, by far, the toughest decision I'v ever had to make. My mom had responded pretty harshly but that was nothing compared to how ridiculously terrified I was about telling my father.
I made up my mind the next morning. Crazy as it sounds, I had a lucid dream where I was happily driving with some friends in the countryside and we stopped to see the night sky. For some unbeknownst reason we could see the planets in our solar system. I could see Saturn, Jupiter, and mars perfectly; it was a stunning site. The dream was so impressive that I woke up questioning whether it was real or not. Of course, it couldn't have been real but it somehow felt that way! I went on my smartphone and looked up it's meaning. The interpretation told me to go for it and, just like that, I wasn't afraid anymore. I knew exactly what I had to do. Talk about some crazy shit, huh?
There is something in the dreamworld that has always fascinated humanity and I've had a couple of dreams that have marked me so deeply that I'll always remember them. This dream, however, was one of the most enchantingly fascinating experiences that I have ever had. I started dreaming a lot more since the journey began but this was something that falls short of words; it was beautiful.
Coming back to reality now; there was something huge that I needed to accomplish. More than merely taking a decision, it was facing my father and taking the step into becoming a man. A step that I should have taken a long time ago.
Based on my track record with my dad, I thought he was going to tell me to go fuck myself with a popsicle and command me to come back home. What actually happened was completely unexpected...
As soon as I sent him the message through the BB chat I could see him writing and stopping repeated times. The fear I felt for what was coming made every passing second seem like an eternity but when the message finally arrived, it proved, yet again, how wrong I was about everything; I had a hard time keeping the tears from gushing out of my eyes. I wish I still had that heartfelt message.
He basically said, in the most compassionate and loving of ways, that this was my decision to take for it was my life to live and that if I thought this might help me sort things out, he was behind me 100%.
All of the sudden I remembered that awesomely loving dude that used to tell me that he loved me from here to the end of the galaxy and brought me presents every time he went on a business trip; that amazing child entrapped in a grown up´s body that used to laugh and play with me as if there were no tomorrow. I remembered the times we played nintendo together and the times we wrestled joyfully on his bed as my mother made one of her dramatic performances on account that we were going to break the bed. The terrifying monster was no more...
That´s my "Pops"; public servant, celebrity businessman, sportsman, and the most "solid dude" I know!
My ex's cousin was there when I read the message. I was so relived and happy. It was as if life itself was patting me in the back for a job well done and all I ever had to do was to face that demon that existed only in mi mind. I was ready for the next stage in this treacherous path I'd chosen, that I was sure of. How ridiculously tough it was going to be, that I had no idea!
